Validated

It’s amusing to me that I post this today.  I posted on Facebook earlier “Fun as a writer…” and then proceeded to list some of the ludicrous things I recently googled to add realism to a story.  In addition, I added how fun it was to spellcheck another story that is 90% text messaging where I included purposefully misspelled words to mimic reality.  Let’s say it took a long time to get through the document.

What amused me, besides the humor of the topic, was that I referred to myself as a writer.  On our last day of the retreat (meaning this shall be my last day of the writing I did on it) our facilitator asked us “What did you get out of the retreat?”  I wrote the short piece below in response.  However, I think I received two amazing gifts from the retreat.  The first gift was the grace of befriending the phenomenal people who attended it with me.  To have these beautiful souls in my life now is a gift I can’t even begin to describe.  The other gift I received was the ability to say “I’m a writer”. 

It’s a powerful thing, though it seems like a small one.  Before I would say “Oh I write.  It’s fanfiction and nothing important.”  I didn’t validate my own writing.  I didn’t validate the importance behind it.  It is important, even if others think it’s not.  I know for a fact that I’ve brought happiness to people, and that, in and of itself, is my greatest blessing.  It has also brought me a host of friends who would not be in my life without my connection to them through our fanfiction writing. 

From here on out, I will try to write weekly and share it with you.  I am more than happy to take writing prompts, or story ideas, or write on anything you may request.  My sister-in-law, Katy, finally weaseled my fanfiction from me.  The other night I shared a story I recently completed with her.  To hear that she couldn’t put it down almost made me cry.  Then to have her call me two days later, screaming that I had effed up her mind with my writing and that she had a dream she wanted me to write about.  Katy excitedly described the scenario while I laughed the whole time until the tears fell and I could barely breathe. 

Hopefully you’ll hear the story soon.  I think it will be the first thing I work on – all for Katy.  Thank you for the inspiration.

Validated

I am validated.  It’s a euphoric feeling to know my soul can escape, still on it’s tether so it doesn’t desert me, but can be free.  My words have moved others in different directions, it seems, which has only ever been my goal.  A smile, a laugh, even a glint of tears in eyes, all sing to me that my voice has a purpose.

Self doubt is a powerful thing that can trap you, cage you, bind you.  Yes, you can write.  Almost anyone can type words on a screen, scratch a pen across paper.  You may even think that you’re good, because the words on the page or screen are exactly what you want to see.  Yet do others want them?  When you offer your words to someone, will they look at them like a child looks at a gift of socks on Christmas morning when they expected the coolest new toy?  Or will they gather your words to their chest and cradle them, cherish them, soak them in?

It’s a question you can’t answer until you offer them, but offering your words is akin to offering the barest essence of yourself to another.  It’s hard enough to do in conversation, but words on paper (or online) are permanent.  Anyone can return to them, pore over them, think over them, dissect them, tear them apart.  It’s both a horrifying and ecstatic feeling.

I have courage now.  Courage to share, to give out my words, to share them with others.  Until now I only knew the effect of my words through a screen – a screeching comment of a keyboard smash from another fan of the show I love.  But now I’ve seen the effect of my words in person, in smiles, in laughs, in teary eyes, and I know, now, that I shouldn’t keep them to myself.

Am I perfect?  Of course not.  And I don’t ever expect to be.  As in life, I expect to keep learning.  I like the imperfection, because it gives me a goal, a direction, a desire to always do better.  To do that I need to write.  I don’t care if it’s 100 words or a thousand, I don’t care if it’s crap, but I want to write every day, take the hour to myself and just let those words out.  Calm my restless mind and improve.  Work on my imperfections and continue to gift my words to the world.